You're Not Like Them

Thank you icecoldpalms.tumblr

Awake

Shake dreams from your hair my pretty child my sweet one

Choose the day and choose the sign of the day

The day's divinity

First thing you see

Reboot

WAKE .... blurry light .... sounds assaults the silence ... texture ... blankets ... warm ...

*blink*

As consciousness returns to the form, senses slowly filling, pulsing and breathing with the life breathe and blood .....

*stretch*

Awake now, stretching neck and straining eyes to take in the room, blue sky and treeline out the window, the books, all those colours and sizes, such a peaceful texture to look at. Breathing slowly, mind awakening and remembering and soonfloods the feeble body with it's stories ... enough ... wait.

*breathe*

Lie still .... pain? Yes ... there ... gently shift weight ... ok ... lie still. Breathe relax wait ...

Life becomes basic ... eat sleep poop repeat. nothing more complex than a newborn babe lying helpless. The drugs don't help ... the agony of being alive. Pain ... that klaxon that drowns all thought and feeling ... pain ... the excruciating helplessness .... pain ... that primeval driver of man and beast.

*wait*

Days and days ... doctor .. hospital ... again. Blue sky out the ward window, i saw clouds too. Waiting ... for ever and ever until the end of time, the end of a list ... almost there.

*awake*

Can't sleep can't think ....can't feel ...numb... alive but still as death ... wait.

*repeat*
_________________________________________________________

So the "routine procedure" that "may cause some pain" became 2 weeks of hell, returning to hospital for a more serious operation which i am now in recovery from. The private health system which i'm lucky to be allowed to use, left me a dry barren husk of a man, right now hardly able to walk to the bathroom.

I was assaulted by the anethatist in pre-op, something i have followed through in reporting, and has left me even more scared of hospitals than ever before. The illogical routines of ward life, the banks of forms to be filled out ... it has been a most traumatic time for me.

Except for the perpetual kindess of the nursing staff, the entire ordeal was completely unsettling, of the 2 nights i spent in hospital, the most i had was 3 hours sleep, after taking 2 sleeping tablets ... which were of course denied the 2nd night, because 3am is too late when they wake everybody up at 4am ... only to switch lights off again at 5am.

Home and still showing the origional symptoms for which i was promised i would be cured, i have a week to fully recover myself. At this point it seems an impossible task, but i have the most amazing support while bedridden, and that is a real blessing, delivered by a real angel.

Life becomes so simple sometimes ... moments of clarity. I know what i have to do next, and it frightens me a lot, but i know it is what i must do, and i know that i must enable the next reality. This life is taking its toll on me, but perhaps there is still some time to take something back ... to wrestle from the gods of fate and luck some modicum of happiness, and purpose that is purely for myself. I know what it is, but now i have no idea how to reach it, only some understanding of the challenges involved.

Lofty, given my current precarious position, but hope springs from where it's darkest.

peace and love to everyone